What’s Been Going On
I’ve thought a time or two about quitting this. I don’t need to sing to you, to string words together that aren’t half as good as what I could put down elsewhere, to tell you the story of my life as though its saying was worth the breath. I don’t know that it is. I don’t know that it ever was. There are plenty of others who do it better than I. My mind has never been focused that way. Time is better spent elsewhere.
Last night I did the right thing. I didn’t before, and that cost me. I didn’t know that it would and maybe it shouldn’t have, but that’s not the point. I did the right thing last night. It was not a transformative experience. It was hard in a dull way. But that’s probably how it should be. If it were an easy thing everyone would do it, and looking outside you can see that isn’t what’s happening. I wasn’t relieved when it was over. I wasn’t happy or proud.
I feel as stony as my friends joke that I am. I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel particularly good. I feel pulled in different directions but all of them are away. I feel encumbered. I want to be rid of things. What I want leaves and what I have is unimportant. I want to wear my soul thin from walking. I want to barely feel myself except in the thinnest boundaries; my skin against the wind, my feet against the ground, my eyes against the sun. I want to open my mouth wide and forget how to speak. I want to invent a language with no verbs. I want to stand so still I become a monument.
This was never meant to be such a diary as it became. It was supposed to have a tinge of that, but mainly to be about writing. I’ll be trying to refocus. Will discuss John Williams’ Butcher’s Crossing and talk about music, playlists, and their influence on my writing next time.
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If you think about writing in terms of a skill that’s developed, blogging is the current “folk” art form of the non-fiction, and that’s got to have some value in and of itself.
Maybe as it’s a sort of a diary of a writer, it is, in essence, about writing.
Don’t know if those will help you find a focus, but hopefully it’ll get the ball rolling.
I want to invent a language with no verbs.
As long as I still wander upon sentences like these, I will be happy to read whatever you write, no matter the focus.
I think Nico has the right of it.
Writing is, in its purest form, expression. I see nothing wrong with expressing yourself in whatever way comes to you.
But then, you know my thoughts on all this. You always have.
It always happens to me too.
I wanted to have a blog about being a classical musician, about playing the flute in a digital world, and about all the things that I think about or don’t think about in terms of daily practice. Etc.
And then I wanted to have a blog about being a triathlete and a bookworm turned athlete. Etc.
But both times, all times, I end up spouting my thoughts and frustrations and sometimes they have to do with the topic at hand, but more often than not, I go much deeper than I had originally intended.
But maybe that’s good.
Because who wants the surface crap anyhow?
For whatever it’s worth, I like your blog as is… but I’m sure I’ll like it in it’s next form too.
Yeah, I know as a blogger I am inevitably biased, but I think nicopolitan hit it dead on.
That said, I totally tire of my blog sometimes. There are some days where it’s all I want to do, and some days where I think “Why on Earth am I wasting my time with this?” and I have to sit on my hands to keep from deleting the whole thing. So it’s a feeling I sympathize with.
Ultimately, I’m sticking it out (for various reasons), so don’t feel bad or wasteful if you do too. We’re both gonna make it as writers no matter what we blog or don’t blog.
Um, and for the record, you’re up for Best Male Blogger!! Can you guess who I voted for in that category? :p
http://www.20sb.net/page/2010-bootlegger-finalists
Nico, et al.: Maybe so, that it is about writing by default, but it’s honestly contrary to my views on the author. I ramble on saying you should know little about me, then spill my guts. I suppose because I consider most of you my friends it’s different.
I appreciate all the compliments. And I can’t wait for the day I get to pay you all back.
Kristan: Best Male Blogger, really? I didn’t know I was on anyone’s radar.
Quitting… for some reason, it’s just never really occurred to me. If it stops being fun, I surely will… but I just love the idea of having such a cool record of everything that’s happened over these oh-so-important years.
If your brain keeps tilting you one way, I feel there’s a reason for that. Why hold yourself back? Sure, you intended this site for a particular purpose, but things change. No point in forcing yourself to do something that your internal structure is not driving you to do.
But I’m biased as I prefer the personal posts.
I have to be honest..there are days I log on to “check” on you via the blog and when it is left to writing I feel you are having a good day…when it is personal I assume it is an escape and a way to purge
follow you heart love…it never fails you
Love,
Momma
I’m feeling blog fatigue as well. But I did at this time last year. As, I think, did you. Maybe it’s the time of year that makes you feel this way.
Re: 20sb Best Male Blogger
I totally nominated you.
I don’t follow a whole lot of literary blogs. I read the Quill & Quire to keep up on publishing news but I don’t go to blogs for my literary meals. Yet, you drew me in from the very beginning. So, whatever you do, keep doing it. Quitting would be a sad day for the internet.
beautiful, simply. keep going.