Nigh Ten Years
It was almost ten years ago that I fell in love with a girl who cannot be overstated in my life. I don’t remember how exactly things came about–I don’t recall any seduction. I remember sitting on the sidewalk with the sun beginning to set, thinking about God, and her, and hoping she’d come outside. And she did. From then on, for a good two years, she was what I thought about, straight, solid. There wasn’t much else. She was my first, an early first, depending on who you talk to. The second time we made love it was to this song, on repeat. I had just turned sixteen. The stereo was this modern-looking thing, all gray with blue lights. I think I remember how she felt now better than I did a few years ago.
She was pretty hard on me. Broke my heart. I was who I was then, and that was considerably weaker than I am now. But she set me on this path, and I wouldn’t change any of it. Still getting roughed up from time to time. But I guess I grew an appreciation for that, too. Writing fuel.
She sent me a letter last night, apologizing for everything. It was sort of shocking, bewildering, and completely plain. This was the sort of thing that happened in movies, you know? Girl of your dreams, the first girl you put away in that hallowed part of your mind or heart, comes to you and says, “I did you wrong”. I wasn’t sure what to say to that. So I told her I accepted, wasn’t even really sure she needed to apologize, given who I am now. Where would I be if she had treated me differently? Who would I be? Husband to her, father to three, first kid aged six? What a difference. And I’m not knocking that, either. Lord, but I loved her. That could have been a great way to live. But it’s not what happened. I didn’t repeat a generation, didn’t become my father–though I am becoming him in many ways. You all know where I am now.
It’s life, yeah? You do things that make you who you are and make other people and you don’t realize until later, long after things have sealed, the mortar has dried. What do you say to that? I don’t think you say anything at all. You smile a little sadly, maybe you shake a hand or offer a hug. And then you move on.
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{nods}
Sometimes I wish I would get that letter (or email, whatever) from my first boyfriend. But then I realize that the person I am now doesn’t need it; it’s the person I was before that did.
I don’t know why but I love this post.
I got that exact letter a few weeks ago. It was funny, a little, though, because for a great while, even after we’d broken up, we ran in the same circles and had many of the same friends. I’m sure he’s apologized before. It’s different seeing it in writing though, maybe. Especially in that handwriting that used to hide between creased pages of notebook paper, stuffed into my locker between classes, waiting to make me laugh and make me fall a little harder. God, I was so in love.
Yeah. It was almost ten years ago. Weird.
Dang, you roused a few tears, Eric…
I think I was fine, until I read that first paragraph, went back and clicked play…
I’ve written about my Big Love. Seven years of chasing. Only one year of actual togetherness. And then she broke my heart again. Ugh.
It is life, yeah.
I’ve thought so many times about that letter. What I would say. It wouldn’t be to my first – sure, we did each other a lot of wrong, but there was so much love there, and I know neither of us doubt that, even today. There have been several folk I should maybe apologize to, and certainly a few I owe explanations. But only one name stands out to me.
Even though the wounds have scabbed over, I still can’t seem to scratch them off, leave skin new. There’s still something I need. To write him, talk to him, see him – and maybe none of those things would help, and would only hurt us both. Fear stays my hand. And pride.
Maybe I have some years to go. I am on my path away from him, and that’s fine, but I’m less sure about the good of it than you are. Maybe that, too, will come.
I invoke the great Vonnegut: “So it goes.” A lot of us do have this thought you’ve got here in the post but so rarely can state it this concisely.
Great choice of video, too, btw.
What a great story. I can’t believe she did that. That must have been so hard for her given the situation. I’ve often thought about emailing or now facebook people I’ve wronged in the past. But then I hold back because when if they go off on you and don’t accept your apology? It’s a terrifying idea.